Takinig the Distance Out of Long-Distance Grandparenting

 

Taking the DISTANCE Out of Long-Distance Grandparenting by Arlene Uslander

When I found out that my 2-year-old grandson, Eric, and his parents were going to move 8,000 miles away from me, all the way to Guam, my reaction most closely matched that of a friend who told me, “If my grandchild moved that far away, I would absolutely die!” And I thought I would, from a broken heart. Perhaps you have had a similar experience – maybe not as great a distance as the other side of the world (I hope not, for your sake, and the grandchildrens’!), but far enough away to make you envious of your friends whose grandchildren live within driving, or even walking, distance.

For months before Eric left, every time I was with him, all I could think about was that soon, I wouldn’t be with him, and I found it difficult to sleep or eat or concentrate. Yet, when the time finally arrived and he left, I began to realize that there was nothing I could do to change the situation — that the only thing I could change was my reaction to the situation. So I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and started thinking more about my grandchild, and what I could do to make the transition as easy for him as possible.

 First of all, I did two things that a friend, who happens to be a family therapist, suggested, which you might want to try if your grandchild, or grandchildren move away:

1) Pack up a box of toys from your house that your grandchild especially likes, and send them to his or her new address, so the child will still feel a connection to your house.

2) Buy a small photo album (I bought one with Mickey Mouse on the cover) and take pictures of the family – including your pets, of course, if you have any — as well as of certain things in or around your house that your grandchild was fond of:  – a musical Teddy bear, a toy ice cream truck, books that you read to the child at bedtime, a game or two, etc., and write a caption under each picture. (Always the school teacher, I speculated that maybe those captions would help Eric learn to read?) According to my son, the toys and books from my house and the little photo album made a solid hit with Eric!

After Eric moved away, I found, both by comparing notes with other “long distance grandparents” and by trying my own ideas, that there are many things one can do to keep the relationship between you and your grandchildren alive and well. Here are some other ideas that worked well for me:

Audio cassettes. These can be used in many different ways, and your grandchildren can play them over and over again.

Shortly after Eric moved away, I sent him a cassette, which I called “Eric’s Friends,” on which I recorded the voices of people who were important to him at the time.  Some of the people I recorded in person; others I taped over the phone, by purchasing an inexpensive phone-recording device. Each person said something different, to remind Eric of the special times they had shared together, and at the end of the message, he or she would ask, “Do you know who this is?” so it would be like a little game for him..

You can read story books on the cassette, and mail the book, along with the cassette, so your grandchildren can turn the pages and look at the pictures as they hear you read the story, or if they are old enough, to follow the words, themselves, as you read them aloud. Even though today, IPODS are the big deal, you can still buy cassette recorders/players. I know because I just bought one to record stories for my latest grandchild, who is two and a half years old. Obviously, you need to make sure that your grandchild (or grandchildren) also has a cassette player—or how else can he or she listen to your tapes? If the child doesn’t have one … well, what are grandparents for???

Video tapes. Whoever invented the video camera (and the Webcam, as discussed later) must have been a “long distance grandparent.” If you can’t see your grandchildren in person, and they can’t see you, the next best thing is seeing each other on video. If you don’t own a video camera, try to borrow or rent one.

             When Eric was little, video cameras used to be much larger and more cumbersome, and much more expensive than they are today. They now sell video cameras in stores that can fit in your purse or pocket.   

Eric turned two a month after he moved away, and knowing that we couldn’t be with him to celebrate his birthday, I gathered the whole family together to make a “Happy Birthday” video. We all wore birthday hats, including the two family dogs; we sang to him, and recited his favorite nursery rhymes and stories. Making the video gave us the feeling that we were part of Eric’s birthday celebration even though we are 8,000 miles away. I continued to make video tapes of the family every time we got together for a holiday, and, of course, each of us always had a special message for Eric.

          Ask someone to video tape you reading story books aloud, and send the child the book along with the video tape – although today, you would be more likely to send DVD disks (digital video disks).  Like audio cassettes, DVD disks can be played over and over again, as often as your grandchildren wish to see them. I have many video tapes of Eric, and of two of my other grandchildren Ryan and Carly when they were little, which I intend to have converted into DVD disks one of these days.

Internet Video Communication. Whoever came up with the idea for Skype (which is free, by the way, as long as you call another person who has signed up with Skype) and other Internet voice-video programs that allow people not only to talk to each other, but to see and talk to each other via the computer, must have been a grandparent whose grandchildren lived far away. Webcams have been around for a number of years, but when they first came out, the image one saw on the screen was very small, and there was usually a delay in hearing the sound. Today, due to ever-increasing advances in technology, the visual part covers the whole screen, and you can carry on a conversation with someone or ones on the other side of the country; even on the other side of the world.  What a fantastic thing for grandparents and grandchildren.        Be sure to check out Skype on the computer if you aren’t familiar with it.

Photographs.  Photographs, of course, are one of the best ways to take away some of the distance. I continued to send Eric photos of the people and things he most enjoyed back in Chicago, where we lived, and where he spent his first two years of life, as well as pictures that were taken of him and my husband and me together before he left. After he came to visit, which he did every summer, I sent him a small photo album filled with photos of things and places he saw in Chicago, and of the things we did together. I also sent him an 8-by-10-inch photo of my husband and me, which his parents hung in his bedroom. Not much chance of your grandchildren forgetting you if they see your face on the wall every single day. 

Once digital cameras came out, my husband and son both bought one. Sending photos back and forth via the computer is also a wonderful way to stay in touch and to feel like you are part of your grandchild’s special occasions and events, as you look at the photos right before your eyes on the computer screen.

 Gifts certainly will help keep you in your child’s thoughts, and they don’t have to be expensive. Even if you’re not too handy with crafts (as I’m not), you can make simple things that appeal to children: sock puppets, yarn dolls, and little houses or farms from shoe boxes or other small boxes, for which you can purchase inexpensive animals, dolls, cars and trains at discount stores.

            Find out about little things your grandchildren want and send them in colorfully-wrapped packages. Whenever you send your grandchildren a gift, ask their parents to show them your picture, so they know that the gift came from you.

Phone calls from you will be important, to you, as well as your grandchild. When you talk to your grandchild, mention the names of people and things with which  he or she is familiar. Repeat the child’s name and the name he or she calls you, several times during the conversation. Even if your grandchildren are too young to carry on a real conversation with you, they are not too young to listen.

Visits. Naturally, nothing can take the place of visits — you to your grandchildren, or your grandchildren to you. How often these visits take place will depend on individual circumstances — finances, work schedules, other family commitments, etc.

When you do visit your grandchildren, or they visit you, try to arrange special times to spend with them, without their parents. This will help you and your grandchildren become re-acquainted, and will also give the parents some time to themselves — for which they will be very grateful. Take the children to places they especially enjoy, and to places they have never been. And, arrange for quiet time in the house to be alone with each child: to read stories, exchange confidences, and to give some extra hugs and kisses.

Emailing. As the children get older, and learn how to use a computer (and today, they are almost born knowing how to use a computer!), emailing is the best thing ever invented to connect grandparents and grandchildren who live apart. As Eric, and then his younger sister, Carly, got older, and I would get an email from them that said, “Dear Nagga (their special name for me) XOXOXOXO. Please write back,” I was filled with joy! Also, don’t forget the fax machine, if you have one. I will never forget the time I received a fax from Eric (dictated to, and written by one of his parents) that said, “I will sing one hundred songs for you.” He was three years old then. He is now 18. I am still waiting!

 I won’t pretend that I didn’t wish Eric lived closer to me (although he does now). I missed him terribly. But soon after Eric moved away as a two year old, I realized that I had two choices: to feel sorry for myself (envying those friends whose grandchildren lived “down the street,” or in the next suburb), or to put that negative emotional energy into the more positive, constructive attitude of viewing long-distance grandparenting as a creative challenge — a challenge to think of things to do for and with my grandchildren that would keep me in their thoughts, and prayers.. I chose the latter, knowing that “out of sight, out of mind” is only true if you let it be.

I hope that if you are a long-distance grandparent, you, too, can learn to meet the challenge, and keep the connection between you and the children strong and deep.

BIO

Arlene Uslander is the author of 16 non-fiction books and hundreds of articles and essays.She is an award-wining journalist and free-lance editor. Her most recent book, an anthology of true, inspirational story about Fate, which she co-authored with Brenda Warneka, is The Mystery of Fate: Common Coincidence or Divine Intervention?   www.thefatesite.com

 

 

 

Takinig the Distance Out of Long-Distance Grandparenting